The Razor Blade Story

So yesterday morning I woke up a little crispy with a medical need for coffee.

Blurry eyed, I drove to Stop & Shop. I bought some of those razor blades from the future that are so expensive and important they require a special bullet-proof tamper-resistant unbreakable plastic case which also has a wireless radio alarm built into it.

I'm not making this up!

I guess people must steal these blades a lot for them to go to such extremes, but it seems a bit ridiculous to me.  
I mean, it's a pack of razor blades, not the Hope Diamond. But it's in this special museum display box.

Anyways, I go up to the Dunking Donuts inside Stop and shop and I order 3 giant iced coffees and 3 bagels.

I needed this coffee very badly because we drank like the wind the night before.

The lady behind the counter was from some miserable country and could not speak English, but I was able to communicate, that I wanted the 3 bagels and 3 giant iced coffees using  a series of elaborate hand signals, slow motion pronunciations and a bit of rumba dancing.

I also inquired about purchasing the million dollar space age razor blades there at the Dunkin Donuts vestibule. 
She made some noise like a lama choking on a golf ball and took my money.

My head was throbbing like a carnival ride as I tried to juggle the bag and the coffees on the way back to my van.

I got home somehow without spilling anything. (A miracle)

Now I opened the bag to discover that she only gave me one bagel, not three. I clearly told her by pointing with three fingers and doing the Watusi, that I wanted 3 bagels, but alas, there was only one bagel in the bag.

I gave the bagel to my son and began inhaling the gigantic coffee.

Then I noticed that the futuristic interplanetary razor blades were still in their bullet-proof radio protected viewing shrine. Juanita had failed to remove the anti-theft see-through safe these razor blades came in.

So I grabbed a large flat-headed screw driver and attempted to pry the case open.

It was not possible.

It could not be done.

God knows, I tried, but It could not be done.

I started chopping at it like OJ Simpson and I almost cut my fingers off. I needed those fingers too. 

How else was I gonna make signals the next time I needed coffee?

Finally I gave up. This wasn't helping my throbbing head at all.

I would not be shaving on this day.

I considered going back to Stop & Shop, but my wife told me they were closed for renovations.

I decided to keep the blades in their impenetrable bio-dome as a piece of art for my home.

Then my brother came over.

I showed him the beautiful blades from Mars in their fabulous viewing case.

He said he could get it to open. 

"Put it in a vice and hit it with a ball peen hammer," he said, "Maybe try a hack saw."

Then he said, "Give it me me. I'll JUMP ON IT!"

So he took it outside on the patio, and began jumping on the tiny museum case.

He's a big dude and he was jumping up and down on it like Wrestle mania, but it wouldn't break!

"This God-damned thing won't break," he yelled, and he was all out of breath and sweating from jumping on it like a gorilla.

"Gimme a brick! Gimme a boulder! I'll get the God-damned thing open!"

So he grabbed a big rock from the garden and started slammin' it and grunting like a cave man. 

He was mad now. "What's this made out of? Kryptonite?"

Finally after about ten or twelve good whacks it broke open, and the blades fell out and there was this weird radio device inside!

Somewhere miles away alarms were probably going off. Flashing lights at the Gillette factory, the blade police were jumping on their motorcycles...I don't know...but no razor cops showed up, so I guess he must have shattered the homing device.

That's the end of the story. I gotta go shave now.

Steely Dan Plays Gaucho - Wang Center, Boston, July 24, 2009

In 1980 Steely Dan's Walter Becker and Donald Fagen used 42 studio musicians and 11 different engineers to record the album "Gaucho. It took them a full year, even though the album has only seven songs on it.
They are known for their obsessive perfectionism.

Last night I saw them play this entire album in sequence from beginning to end.
I was astounded!

In a word, the entire show was Impressive.

The sound was perfect. I've never heard a better live mix. Crystal clear vocals and all instruments perfectly balanced. It was good and loud, like a rock concert should be, but never painfully loud like some shows
I've seen.
The lighting was mood inspiring and well synched to the music. At times the lighting was dramatic and beautiful.
As for the band:
Every musician on that stage was impressive as hell, but none more than Kieth Carlock on drums.
Kieth, who was voted #2 in Modern Drummer's reader's poll, is a true monster drummer.
Visually exciting to witness, this guy has the chops and the good taste to know how to use them.

Jon Herington shined last night in the intimidating role of lead guitar.
Playing guitar for Steely Dan is no easy job. This is complex music and it takes skill. Jon replicated the solos of the great Larry Carlton and others capturing the tones they achieved perfectly.

Walter Becker played a blue Stratocaster mostly in the out of phase position, clean and bluesy with some tasty jazz licks and the rhythms were spot on. He also sang Daddy Don't Live In That New York City No More, later in the evening. I didn't expect that one, and it was a pleasant surprise.

Donald Fagen was of course the star of the show, a truly gifted songwriter and keyboard player, he gave it everything he had.
Now I admit that he did flub up a few lyrics here and there, but it was amazing to me that anyone could record an album and remember all the words to it 30 years later, especially when you consider that they have never played that album in it's entirety until last night. So he gets a free pass.

The female singers were fantastic, especially during Babylon Sisters, and Hey Nineteen.
The entire crowd sang along to,"The Cuervo Gold, the fine columbian," and the mention of "sweet things from Boston, so young and willing."

I felt a true chill during the song Third World Man. This song was surprisingly powerful played live. The horns were extremely powerful, and the drumming kicked ass. It was visually stunning with the lights so perfectly matched to the music.

When they finished the entire album from start to finish, there was a stunning response from the crowd. I knew I'd seen something very special.
I would have been very satisfied with just that but the night had just begun.

They launched into so many great memorable songs, I can't remember all of them, but I can give you a list of the high points:

Highlights Of The Setlist:

My Old School - Amazing! Horns were killer in this song, and he mentioned Berkeley School Of Music.
Parker's Band- Who would have expected this one? And who would have expected the girls to sing it instead of Fagen?
Peg- Flawless. Sounded just like a record on a phonograph.
Reelin' In The Years - The original version, not the jazz version. Great harmony guitar work.
Don't Take Me Alive- Ouch!
Deacon Blues- My favorite Steely Dan song put a lump in my throat because it brings back memories.
Home At Last - Horns again rose to the occasion, and that shuffle groove from the drums, so nice!

they ended the night with "Dirty Water."
Of course the Boston fans ate that one up and sang along.

Not only was this amazing band able to deliver the goods by replicating their former records, they also improvised brilliantly. I loved it!

One funny tid-bit: In a restaurant, before the show, the waiter asked if we were going to see Steely Dan. We said "yes."
He told us "He's great. I never realized how many great songs he sang."

Kenny Hogan's Blog - The Deep Fog Monologues: Synchronicity On Rollercoaster Road

Kenny Hogan's Blog - The Deep Fog Monologues: Synchronicity On Rollercoaster Road

Synchronicity On Rollercoaster Road

I was taking a Sunday drive up on old Route 1 yesterday with my family.

We were headed towards the ocean to Plum Island on a beautiful summer day.

It occurred to me that I was on the part of the road my father used to call "Rollercoaster Road."

So I put the song "Frank's Imperial," on and drove up to Plum island listening to it.

I explained to them that this is where my dad used to take us in his 67 Chrysler Imperial on Sundays.

We drove up and down the steep hills listening to these lyrics:

and I'm in the back seat, just 12 years old,

a Sunday drive, on Rollercoaster Road,

flyin' high, in Frank's blue jet,

he's got his arm out the window, holdin' a cigarette,

his car has style, his car has class,

whitewall tires, tinted glass,

it rides so smooth, strong and fast,

Frank just smiles, and steps on the gas...

...and for a minute there, I felt like Frank himself, driving the family in his big blue jet.

My mind drifted back through those fond memories of my childhood, and I found myself wiping a secret tear from my eye.

When we got to our destination - Plum Island, my cell phone rang.

My friend Carl was calling to tell me that NPR's Car Talk radio show had just played "Frank's Imperial," on the radio!

Of course I was thrilled to hear that.

Then it hit me.

They were playing the song on the radio at the exact same time we were on Rollercoaster Road listening to the same song!

What are the odds in that happening?

Was my father somehow communicating to me, sending me a message?

Do you believe in synchronicity?

I do.

Here is the definition of Synchronicity:

The term synchronicity is coined by Carl Jung to express a concept that belongs to him. It is about a causal connection of two or more psycho-physic phenomena.

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events which are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner.

In order to count as synchronicity, the events should be unlikely to occur together by chance.

The concept does not question, or compete with, the notion of causality. Instead, it maintains that just as events may be grouped by cause, they may also be grouped by their meaning.

It does not escape my attention that I was called on the phone by a guy named CARL either.

You can download the song Frank's Imperial by clicking here.

Walmart Women

So, the other day I went to Walmart.

I'm not proud of it.

Walmart shoppers are an entirely different subspecies of human beings. I don't want to be one of them.

You'll see lot's of sloping foreheads and chinless jaws, and they have fewer teeth than most homo sapiens.

They walk slower and do not possess the intelligence to get out of the way. They just stand there dazed and drooling, blocking the aisle, squatting behind their shopping carts. Perhaps they're thinking about bones and antlers.

I go there to buy socks and underwear. 
Socks and underwear are cheap at Walmart because most Wal-Mart shoppers still wear loin-cloths.

On this particular day I broke through a geriatric roadblock, entered through the doors which are on the wrong side and waved off the slack-jawed decrepit "Greeter."

They always prop up a dead guy at the front of the store. 
Why? I don't know.

Who wants to be greeted by a dead guy? Not me.

Who's idea was this? Getting some 100 year old man to stagger toward you with a shopping cart...is this good for business?

I made it to the center aisle.
Towels were on sale for $3 each!

Squatting directly in front of this display were two Wal-Women.

One of them was tall and skinny with bleach-blond weeds coming out of her head. She wore a skirt so short you could see what she had for breakfast.

She was yelling into her cell-phone while eating Nacho Cheese Doritos from an opened bag.

Her stubby scantily clad friend stood next her, squinting and text messaging while blocking the other side of the aisle like Teddy Bruschi.

She was a chubby girl who didn't mind exposing her large beach-ball breasts.

Now don't get me wrong. I usually love big boobs, but these were not the kind of boobs you wanna see.
They looked like they might pop. You might get splattered with something.

Some boobs...you just wanna say, "Put those things away, you're makin' me sick!"

I was trying to get to the $3 towels to check out the quality, but these two stunning beauties were blocking the way texting and squawking and chomping Nacho Cheese Doritos out of a giant unpaid-for bag.

Blondie finishes her phone call with a flourish of loud swears, and puts her phone away.

Suddenly she looks at her hands and says, "Jesus Christ! Look at my hands! They're all ORANGE from these freakin' Doritos!"

She walks over to the $3 white towels and wipes her hands on them!

I couldn't believe it.

Then, with a gap-toothed grimace she turns to me and says, "Don't tell anybody."

I promised her that I wouldn't, and ran away. 

I think I peed a little, and I had bad dreams that night.

Summer Checklist

The summer of 2009 is like no other summer I've seen.
We've all been waiting all summer for summer to come. It's true.

The rain has been like a bad rash that just won't clear up. Here it is, July, and I haven't done half the things I would have done if it were a normal summer.



BUT!
I have a summer checklist.
Certain things have to get done. AND THEY WILL!
There are specific places that I must go and certain foods I need to have, and there are events that are summer rituals for me.

The summer just isn't complete unless these things get done.
I think that everyone would have a better summer if they made a checklist of their own.
So read mine and come up with your own, and I hope you have a great summer!

Destinations:

• Gloucester area beaches: Rockport, Good Harbor, Long Beach
• Salisbury, Hampton, especially the boardwalk
• York Beach, Maine, My favorite of all
• Canobie Lake Park, brings out the kid in me, and they have fireworks on Saturday night
• Castle Island, Central Maine, fishing for pike on a beautiful natural lake
• The Pemigewassett River, Bristol, NH, best smallmouth bass fishing around, and so nice
  
• Burlington Vermont, Even the long ride up there is enjoyable, and it's so nice up there
• Boston's Freedom Trail, Sometimes we take it for granted, and it's really cool

Events:

• Fireworks - Anywhere, but especially Gloucester and Canobie lake
• Backyard Barbecues- ask me, I'm there
• Outdoor concerts at Heritage Park in Lowell, you can't beat that venue or the price
• Outdoor Concerts anywhere but Great Woods, or whatever they're calling it this week
• Campfires on the beach, a river or any other place, nothing better than sitting by a fire
• Hiking in the woods, alone or with friends, it's fun and it doesn't cost a penny
• A good thunderstorm on my back porch, or on the lake at Castle Island
• Whale Watch - Gloucester has a great one
• A boat ride of any kind. Just to be on the water is great
• Cocktails on a patio or deck on a nice summer day
• Walking in York Village watching them make the taffy etc...
• Fishing- just about anywhere, but especially NH and Maine
• Summer Reading - on the back porch, or the beach, or a cottage, or by a pool...
  

FOOD & BEVERAGES:

• Cookout food of all kinds, chicken, ribs, steak tips, sausages, cheeseburgers, hotdogs
• Corn On The Cob from some road-side stand
  
• Lobster
• Lobster Roll- preferably from that little fish store in York Village
• Fried Clams - From the Clam Box in Ipswich, or Woodman's
• Any and all junk food on the boardwalk at Hampton Beach
• Shooting the piano player in the ass at the arcade on Hampton Beach
  
• A Lime Rickey on a hot day
• A Raspberry Lime Rickey on a very hot day
  
• Salt Water Taffy & Chocolate Turtles form York Village
• Blueberry Pie with ice cream
• Blueberry Pancakes
• Blueberry Bread
• Blueberry this
• Blueberry that
  
• Watermelon
• Italian Ice
• Popsicles
• Frappes 
  
• Watermelon Italian Ice
  
• Planked Salmon
• Richie's Slush
  
• Macaroni Salad
• Potato Salad
• Chicken Salad
  
• Fresh Tomatoes from the garden
  
• Coffee Coolatas
• Home Made Iced Tea or Sun Tea
  
• Margaritas
• Pina Coladas
• Ice Cold Beer from the bottom of a cooler filled with ice water

I think that just about covers it.
Did I leave anything out?
Please leave me a comment, if you think of anything.

Have a great summer!

On Purpose

This week I'll turn 54.
SHIT!
That ain't good,
but I guess I'm still here and that's a good thing.
Lot's of people aren't.
I feel okay, I'm writing songs and making up stories, creating stuff,

"practicing my purpose," as they say.

That's what my purpose seems to be. (among others)

Who's to say what your purpose is?

YOU.

That's who.

No one else is qualified.

Ask yourself this question;

"What am I here for?"

If the answer is, "I don't know," keep asking the question.

But don't look for someone else to answer it.