If You're Over 50...This One's For You

How did this happen to me?
I used to be cool!
Getting old wasn't supposed to happen to ME!!!
I used to run like the wind.
Now I grunt and fart when I tie my shoes.

I tell people to slow down.
I tell kids to stay out of my yard.I've actually kept the ball!

It's hard to admit that I'm not young any more, that I'm slower and rounder, and lazier too.
I have a remote control for my friggin air conditioner!
Jesus, how lazy do you have to be to say, "It's too friggin' hot for me. I don't wanna walk all the way across this room, ...Where's my AC remote?"

I actually keep THREE TV remotes in my living room, because I'm too lazy to look for them when they get lost.

When I was a kid every house had one TV, one phone, one stereo, and that was it.
No remote.
Back then, I was the remote.
My father used ME as the remote control.
He'd say,"What the hell is this show? Mod Squad? KENNY! Turn on channel 7, Gunsmoke is on!"

We had an antenna on the roof with motor on it, and we thought that was cool.
There was a big dial on top of the TV, and you had to turn the dial to get the antenna to go around.
It made a noise like this: "Gadderrzh-ditt!... Gadderrzh-ditt!... Gadderrzh-ditt!"
...And you had to stand there and wait.
If a plane flew over the house, it would screw up the whole picture.
My 45 records and my albums were my prized possessions.
Now I love my i-pod instead. But I miss the album covers! Don't you?
Why can't they sell Cd's inside full sized album covers?

My generation used to smoke grass and take acid.
Now we mow the grass and take antacids.

I've pretty much given up playing gigs in bars.
I found myself wanting to go to bed after the 2nd set. once I had to delay the set because my ibuprofen fell behind my amp.

I wonder how many gigs I've done in my life... More than a thousand?
Maybe. Probably.
The Rolling Stones are way older than me and they're still rockin'.
I wonder if Keith Richards grunts and farts when he ties his shoes?
"Excuse me Mick I have to tie my shoe.." ffffFFFRRRAAAMMPPP!, (Grunting with an English accent)

Do you think Keith or Mick use Viagra?Why not? They've tried every other drug.
But they probably crush it up and snort it.

I once ran an eighteen mile road race.
Now when the pizza guy comes to the door, I make my kid answer it.

Half a century has gone by. How did this happen to me?
I used to have so much energy. Now if I walk down to the sub shop I need a nap.
The other day I drove for three exits before realizing that I left my directional on.
That's a bad sign, isn't it?
I know who Petula Clarke IS! That's how old I am.
Wait a minute, I gotta tie my shoe... bbbBRRAAAMPHFF!!! (grunt) excuse me!

I've been wondering...Is it okay for me to still look at girls, or am I just a perverted old man now?They don't look back any more anyways.

If I go to the beach Greenpeace tries to roll me back into the ocean.
I can never relax because I have to dodge the harpoons.
I can see Japanese fishing trawlers in the distance, waiting.

At least I still have hair.
Most of my friends have to put sun-block on their heads.
Think of the money I've saved on sun-blocking my head!

And at least I'm alive. Some of my friends aren't.

Mentally I don't feel any different.I'm still just as mental and different as I used to be.
My birthday is coming up on the fourth of July.
I hope the candles on the cake don't set off the smoke alarms.

Maybe I should buy loafers.

Block your nose. I gotta tie my shoe.