When You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going

I'm writing this so I remember.
I'm also writing this to motivate myself, and to explain what happened.

I was scheduled to have rotator cuff surgery on my shoulder on Dec 16th. I needed it for sure, because I couldn't work or play guitar without pain.

Two weeks before the surgery I thought I had the flu. I see now that it wasn't the flu. It was something far more dangerous.
I stayed in bed with vicious headaches and nausea and all I could do was sleep. I was having trouble breathing. I felt lousy.

When it was time for the shoulder surgery, I didn't tell the doctor what was going on.
I had waited 3 months for this surgery and I needed to get back to work and to begin playing and recording again without any setbacks.
I wanted that surgery dammit!

This was supposed to be a simple arthroscopic day surgery.
It wasn't.
The surgery itself went OK.
After the surgery they had trouble bringing me back around. My vital stats were very bad.

They kept me in the hospital for a couple of days, then they let me go home, feeling awful, and all doped up on strong pain meds.
I hadn't done any Christmas shopping, and my good friend Frank offered to drive me where I wanted to go after a quick follow-up visit to my pulmonary doctor.
The doctor took a quick EKG test, looked at the results, shook his head and said, "Amazing. I can't believe you are still functioning."

My blood oxygen was 72 and my heart rate was racing into the 120's. He sent me straight back into Winchester hospital.
No Christmas shopping for me. Frank drove me there. He was my ambulance driver and my taxi guy on the same day.
That hospital stay is just a blur to me. I couldn't tell you a thing about it.

They let me out just in time for Christmas Eve, feeling terrible physically and emotionally for ruining Christmas.
My wife made me a nice dinner. I had a few glasses of wine, and then, stupidly a couple of drinks. I knew I shouldn't, but it was Christmas Eve, and I was feeling so low, very melancholy. A blue Christmas, for sure.

The next morning I had trouble getting up. I had trouble breathing, and my heart kept racing.
While opening presents, I just keeled over.
My wife sent me back to bed, and luckily, she came upstairs to check on me.
I was incoherent. She took my pulse, my breathing was shallow, and she couldn't wake me.

The next thing I remember, I was being carried down the stairs by four EMT's.
Red lights were flashing and my neighbors were standing on their steps gawking at me as they put me into the ambulance and whisked me away.

I remember coming in and out of consciousness in the intensive care ward. I was suffocating, sucking air, with my heart pounding so loud it sounded like a freight train in my head. They put an oxygen mask (which didn't fit) over my nose and mouth, but I couldn't breathe. I threw up into the mask and began thrashing around as they held me down. I was choking to death and scared out of my mind.
I actually felt a seperation between my self and my body.
I don't know how to explain that to you, but I felt myself rising, as if discarding my sick body.
They ripped the mask off. I gasped for air. Everyone was telling me to keep breathing, and not to give up, and I remember telling my wife, "I'm dying!" in between gasps.
But another part of me was struggling to keep breathing, and after a long time they got my breathing back under control.
That was the longest night ever. I never slept. I only went in and out of consciousness.
I didn't want to sleep. I was afraid I'd never wake up.
The sun came up, and the hospital came back to life, from a spooky quiet place to a bustling beehive of activity.
Don't get sick on Christmas night folks. You won't find many people on staff.
The rest of this stay was a blur to me. I was pretty much out of it, mentally. I don't even know how many days I stayed.
Then they let me out.
I didn't do well when I got home.
Getting to sleep was hard, I had to pack my shoulder in ice, and I couldn't get comfortable.It throbbed but they wouldn't allow me to take any sleeping medication for fear of screwing up my breathing and heart rates.
I had to tough it out.
I kept waking up suffocating, gasping for air, with my heart racing, dizzy and faint, very weak, not having a wonderful Christmas time. And let's not forget the shoulder. It's a painful operation, but they wouldn't allow me to take any pain medication, because it slows down the breathing.

Worst of all, though I needed sleep, I was afraid to sleep, and every time I drifted off I woke up gasping for air, desperately sucking for wind, with my heart doing a drum solo.
That happened so many times I just couldn't stand it any more, and conacted the pulmonary doctor again.
He had told me to see a doctor who specializes in my problem (bi-lateral diaphragm paralysis) at Tufts Medical Center, in Boston.
So, there I was, on New Year's Eve...in another emergency room, being admitted to the hospital for the 4th time in 16 days.
I spent another 3 days there. They were long lonely days, but thanks to my family and my friends, I got through it.
I learned a few things:
My wife really does love me, and she's part angel.
My son is a fine young man who helped out around the house and shoveled a lot of snow without me. I think he's gonna turn out just fine.
My best friends really are my best friends.
Lot's of people care about me.
I need to show them I care about them more often.
I need to take better care of myself.
We all need each other.
Being grateful helps you enjoy life much more.
There's a lot of people who have it a lot worse off than we do.
Also:
Most nurses have bad breath. (They seem to wash down garlic with coffee a lot)
All hospital food tastes like toast.
Fat guys should never wear robes that tie in the back.

I'm home now, beginning a new phase in my life, beginning to recover.
This is going to be a long road ahead and it's going to take lot's of small steps to get there, but I'm gonna get there.
I'll make a comeback. Just watch me.



I'll never forget the Christmas season of 2009, even though I'll always want to.
It was an unfolding nightmare of sickness, pain, punctured by the most terrifying moments of my life.
Not much of a holiday.
Several times I was in fear of dying. And it all began with what should have been a simple operation.

Be carefull out there. Take care of each other. Take care of yourselves!
Tell the people you love that you love them.
Let's make this a happier, healthier year!

Kenny Hogan
January 4th, 2010