West Coast Trip 2006

I just got back from another trip last night. This time it was Anaheim California for a week

Texas before that, and I'm going back again to Texas in a few weeks. Also scheduled is Chicago, Florida, South Carolina, New York...

You can keep the west coast. It's hot, it smells and nobody speaks friggin' English. It sounds like they're gargling when they talk.

Everything costs an arm and a leg.
They all carry around these giant wallets full of arms and legs.
The cash registers are huge and bloody.

I ate at Starbucks all the time.

"I'll have a Grande Chai Latte, with soy milk, and a roast beef on focaccia bread." I'd say

Then some runty little bastard would gargle at me:

""GargleGargleGargle Dat wull be two legs GargleGargle und vun armGargleGargle and a peenkie sir GargleGargleGargleGargle"

I almost missed my flight back, but I met one of the actors from LOST in LAX Airport. I don't know his name but he's that Iranian looking mid eastern guy on the show. Good looking guy. Probably a little lite in the loafers though, judging by the leather he was wearing.

I was standing in line sweating my ass off, hoping I wouldn't miss the flight, which was boarding while I waited in this unbelievably L O N G security line,

Meanwhile, to my left there was another much shorter line. Mr.Moviestar turns to me and complains (with some kind of British poofy accent), "They are herding us like cattle."

I sez, "Yah, tell me about it! I hope I don't miss my flight. I'm late. Are they gonna make us take off our shoes?"

He says, "Of course! They treat us like cattle!"

Then he decides to complain to one of the security people.

"Why can't we go into THAT line? It is much shorter! This does not make sense."

The security runt shrugged with a bored look and said "GargleGargleGargleGargle!"

"Don't expect any kind of logic out of him!" I said (removing my sneakers)

"Like cattle!" he says, "It makes no sense!"

Then some broad from the line next to us lets out a howl "OH MY GOD! IT'S YOU!!! The Guy from LOST! ARE YOU FROM LOST?"

Poof-boy says "Yes." nervously. Suddenly I recognize him too. He's the terrorist guy from lost. Suddenly he's not just a greasy looking poofter who hates cattle.

The broad runs up and reaches across the ribbon divider thing, and hugs the little terrorist movie star, and the next thing you know he's signing autographs for people.

Then I get to security.

Some guy gargles something about my laptop, and GargleGargle "Do I have any GargleGargleGargleGargle or gels, or anything that would stick him as he fished through my back pack?"

"No."

I walk through the metal detector.
It goes off.
Some big ugly bastard pulls me aside:

"GargleGargle?"

"What?"

"Remove a you belt GargleGargleGargleGargle cell-phone, GargleGargle!"

I take my belt off throw it on the conveyor belt with my phone and walk through.

Suddenly everyone is gargling all around me, I'm trying to collect my shit and put my laptop back in the bag, and put my shoes on at the same time, and I'm dropping shit and stumbling around and my pants are falling down, and I'm late, and the movie star is waving goodbye and the guys with the ties are gargling at me to hurry up, and I'm sweating and looking at my watch which I put back on upside down, and I look at my ticket and it says gate C 23. So I go up to some asshole with a white shirt on.

"Where's gate C23?"

"WAAAYYY over there! (pointing) Then take a right and go upstairs by the Gargle!"

I have no f*cking idea what the last part was but I start running like a water buffalo in that direction.

The I hear them announce "Last call for flight 222 to Phoenix Now Boarding! All passengers MUST GargleGargle at this time!"

I'm running and puffing and sweating with the pack on my back and my pant's falling down, because I never had time to put my belt back on. I shit you not, it was about a quarter of a mile. I thought I was gonna have a friggin' heart attack and drop dead right there, but I made it!

I was the last guy to board the plane, and everyone was glaring at me. I must have smelled farging fragrant too after that run. They announced that they would not be serving any drinks because of the horrible turbulence that was expected and we had to remain seated.
I dry swallowed two valiums, and when the plane landed I didn't give shit about it any more.