My Influences

Ask me about my influences

I was recently asked in a couple of interviews who my influences are.
I didn't know what the hell to say. I wasn't used to that.

I made up a bunch of stuff to say in case someone asks me that again:

"So Ken, Who are your influences?"

Well I'll tell ya...
When I was 10 years old, I saw The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
Ed didn't seem to mind, so I closed the door and let the five of them go at it.

Before you know it, I was watching all those Elvis movies,and acting just like Elvis. I remember getting all pissed off at the beach, because nobody else would sing along or do the choreography . That made me want to die on the toilet, just like him.

(I have come close several times)

Davey Jones, of The Monkees made me consider becoming a homosexual, but that didn't work out for me, because I couldn't stop thinking of Annette Funicello.

Soon I began watching Wild Kingdom and learned to imitate a rhino by farting in a short pipe. Soon I bought a harmonica. Still, I was not allowed in the school band!

I saw Myron Sherman on Lawrence Welk, but I promised not to tell.

That lead to a horrible accident involving getting naked and playing an accordion, where I almost became Jewish.
To this day when I hear the song "Squeezebox" I cross my legs involuntarily.

My high pitched screams caused me to discover my stunning falsetto and that finally catapulted me toward the fame, success, and filthy wealth I have yet to achieve in the scum-filled shitholes and booze-pits where I've wasted my valuable youth.

Being totally ignored by staggering drunks who look like Mannix, watching them soil themselves as they gape up at the keno machine, being underpaid and lugging heavy gear over snowbanks has inspired me to someday become greatest songwriter in the nursing home.

And don't ask me again.